My Chubby Baby Wish

I was 8 months pregnant during Max's 2nd Birthday Party. I was ready to pop, but so excited for Max's big day. We had long known the news that Penelope would also have Cystic Fibrosis and probably require the surgeries and hospitalizations that we had to go through with Max. I was working my way through that news and trying to stay as positive as possible. We knew our risks going into this pregnancy, unlike with Max. So, despite the news being devastating, we were okay. We knew what to expect this time and we were preparing ourselves mentally.

We honestly didn't think it would happen to us again. We thought surely we have paid our debts and we will only have easy sailing from now on. We approached the idea of having another child very logically and rationally. First, we went to visit a fertility clinic. There's a procedure called Pregestation Diagnosis (PGD) that we wanted to know more about. Basically, you fertilize as many eggs as you can and a scientist does genetic testing on the embryos. The embryos that have no CF mutation are implanted or frozen, guaranteeing a healthy baby. The other embryos, specifically, the CF carriers and the CF positive, are discarded. Discarded. That's a hard pill for me to swallow. I really thought long and hard about this procedure and this method. How could I justify this and make myself comfortable with this decision. I immediately went to the heart of the matter and asked myself was this a life that I was about to do harm to. Was the embryo, only a few cells, a life. Well, in my eyes, yes. I looked at my son and thought he would have been one that was destroyed. I knew at that moment I couldn't make the decision on which embryo lived and which one was destroyed. That's not who I am. Don't get me wrong, I pass absolutely no judgement on those that choose this way to have children, and hope that they would extend the same courtesy to me. I'm not saying that it's wrong for everyone, it was just wrong for us. We all have our hierarchy of morality. Some would argue that I chose to give my child this disease and that's worse than destroying embryos. Well, I just don't view it that way. It's really that simple. I believe the first and most important rule is do no harm. Me choosing to have another child wasn't me directly doing harm. It was a risk and nothing worth doing comes with zero risk.

Alas, we turned to an adoption agency to answer some more questions. Having many adopted children in my family and my extended family, I knew that adoption was definitely an option for us. Unfortunately, the adoption process is not easy. We were disqualified from country after country from every reason from not married long enough to too much of an age difference between my husband and me to already having a child with special needs. We were extremely discouraged, but left feeling we knew what we wanted to do.

So, at my son's 2nd Birthday Party, a friend came with her 3 month old little girl. It was the chubbiest little baby I had ever seen. I was so jealous. Rage and sadness hit me like a ton of bricks, because I knew my little girl growing inside me was never going to be chubby, never going to normal and healthy. I was never going to know what it was like to just be able to enjoy my child and not worry about CF. For that instant, I was so envious and so weak. I thought, I just want a chubby baby.

Well, life is funny sometimes. Just when you really think you know what you're going to get, life throws you a curve ball. Curve balls aren't always a bad thing and sometimes you get what you wish for!!!

 My Chubby Baby. I'm especially proud of the little rolls on her legs!!